Once More, With Badgers
by Cake McDeath
Summary: We bring you a story of murder, corruption, violence, exploitation, and sarcasm. And don't forget the cheesy love story too. Starring Zacharias Smith and Susan Bones, this story will make you weep on your keyboard. With laughter or sadness, we're not sure
1. Chapter One: A New Man

**Once More, With Badgers**

Chapter One: A New Man

By Lee

* * *

It was another one of those nice days at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The kind of "nice day" with howling winds and sleet assailing the castle and grounds, anyway. Inside it was better, the only openings being covered with glass (except in the Ravenclaw sixth year boys' dormitory, where the windows had been blown out recently). Zacharias Smith was ignoring the stormy skies showing through the ceiling of the Great Hall – which was interesting and amazing as a first year, and more than a bit annoying from then on – in favour of finishing his Divination homework.

A lot of other students would wonder at the fact that Zacharias was taking Divination even after the Ordinary Wizarding Levels had been taken, when he seemed like such a suspicious, straightforward type. He was a suspicious, straightforward type, sure, but he was also the type of person who believes in using every advantage you can, as long as it wasn't damaging. And if he could tell the future, that couldn't do anything but help, right?

Of course, he hadn't figured in these "personality discovery" exercises. "'What your face tells others'," he mulled aloud before turning to one of the other Hufflepuffs eating their dinner nearby. "Hey, Wayne, what would you say my facial contours are, angular, knotted, or pointed?" Wayne just stared at him, spoon halfway to his mouth. Wayne Hopkins was a nice boy, and one of the best Beaters that Hufflepuff had seen in recent years, but he was second only to Neville Longbottom in extreme idiocy. "…angular?" he said finally.

Zacharias nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought, thanks." He turned back to the book, and paused. "'Selfish, rigid, ruthless, ambitious, greedy'? What is that supposed to mean?!" he demanded to thin air. "Whatever. Divination's for crackpots," he muttered, chucking the 'Who Am I?' text across the Great Hall, nailing a Gryffindor third year in the head. Completely on accident. Or at least, that's what he would say under oath.

His Divination homework done – or as done as it was going to be, in any case – Zacharias let his gaze wander up and down the Great Hall. Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy and cronies laughing over another of Malfoy's "ever-so good impressions"; Ravenclaw table, three of the D.A. members were leaning over what seemed to be a blueprint and a stack of papers and books; Gryffindor table, Harry Potter was looking, what else, broody, and the rest of the Dream Team and Co were fawning over him; and at the Hufflepuff table, Ernie Macmillan was hitting on Susan Bones.

He turned that way in interest. For once, Ernie was trying to pick up Susan, instead of the other way around? And Susan, for her part, was entirely ignoring the Prefect. "You know, I've known you for years, but I never before realised how beautiful you were," Ernie said, attempting to look smug and suave as he slid closer to Susan and slipped his arm around her. Justin, sitting across from Ernie, hid his smirk behind his napkin.

"Really," Susan replied blandly, swishing the soup in her spoon in boredom. "Nice to know." She then proceeded to sniff a bit, the general stuffiness fitting with Ernie's nasally voice. Zacharias and his other roommates had sectioned off part of the dorm with curtain, and had then charmed said curtain to keep all of Ernie's cold germs out. Wayne was also living on that side of the curtain, in hopes that he would get sick and not have to go to Herbology (in addition to being rather stupid, Wayne was entirely helpless, and hadn't wanted to disappoint Professor Sprout by not taking her class after O.W.L.s, though he thoroughly detested plants and they liked to attack him, even the dormant ones). So far, no dice.

"Come on babe, why don't we head back to the common room and, you know…" he winked. Zacharias couldn't keep himself from snickering loudly at Ernie's rather moronic "pick up lines", or whatever they were supposed to be. "What, drip on each other?" he said loudly. Loud enough that a Ravenclaw – that one named after shoes, he thought – turned around and hushed him. His eyes were unusually bloodshot, even for a Ravenclaw.

Ernie whirled around and glare-sniffled at Zacharias in annoyance. "Excuse _me_, but I don't recall asking your opinion, so why don't you butt out where you aren't wanted?" he snapped in a prissy voice.

Zacharias sneered back at him. "Why don't _you_ butt out where _you're_ not wanted? The only progress you're making here is the progress of my food working its way back through my digestive track." Susan grinned at his comments, but attempted to hide it behind her spoon.

Watching Ernie turn red and splutter was amusing for a few minutes, but then Zacharias got bored, not to mention the Gryffindors were giving them condescending looks from across the room. He slurped the rest of his unidentifiable random drink down, set the glass on the table, and stood. "I'm going to bed, I've got double Divination and then double Potions in the morning, and stupidity this late at night upsets my stomach." He waved at them. "See you." And then he walked out of the Great Hall, presumably to go down to the Hufflepuff cellar – er, common room.

* * *

Double Divination, right after breakfast. It was a good thing Trelawney was teaching that week, she never seemed to notice that you were missing a textbook and/or homework, as long as you made sure you were going to die within the next week or two. Two class periods of that dingbat would be enough to make you want to scream, and he still would have to sit through Potions, another double. And then there's the D.A. meeting. Jesus freaking Christ, today was going to be a terrible day.

He pulled up alongside Wayne, who was going absolutely nowhere, and was in a hurry about it. "Remind me why I decided to take N.E.W.T. Potions? Especially with the golden-freaking-trio? And Neville 'I blow up everything I touch' Longbottom?"

Wayne blinked at him. "Because you were accepted into it?" he asked slowly.

"Oh. Right." That had been the reason. He had gotten an O in it, and was therefore allowed to continue on to N.E.W.T. level Potions. Being the (slight!) egotist he was, Zacharias couldn't allow a position in one of the hardest classes at Hogwarts to pass him by! No sir, he couldn't.

Being an egotist really sucked sometimes.

Wayne waved at him as he headed for Ancient Runes. Stupid Wayne, with his stupid getting better scores than Zacharias even though Zacharias was far more intelligent. Stupid Wayne and his bloody "applying himself". What did that even _mean_?

Zacharias stood at the bottom of the ladder to Divination and pouted up at it forebodingly. At least this was one class those wannabe Aurors hadn't signed back up for. Perhaps God did love him. He only had to deal with the annoyances of the Gryffindor Patil girl and her friend, Purple Pink, or whomever. And Nott, Zabini, and those three weird Ravenclaws, but they were all guys who were in it for the breeziness of the class.

"My dear!" Trelawney immediately latched onto him like the leech she was as he came into the room. "Death surrounds you, poor boy!"

_Maybe she really _can_ tell the future_, he thought irritably. _If she does that to mean one more time, she's going to be dead_. "Are you sure that isn't anger?" questioned Zacharias. She just gave him a blank look, and he sighed, hauling his bag (now complete with space enhancing charm!) over to one of those weird things they were made to sit on. He began arranging his things, and wondering who he was supposed to share his little table thing with, the other houses had already grouped together, and some of them were giving him intense stares. Well, Nott and Zabini were actually looking at Gryffindor Patil and Purple Pink with very… not good expressions.

About a second before the class began, the trapdoor swung open again and Susan Bones popped in, breathless. "Sorry," she said, taking a seat at the first open spot she saw – right next to Zacharias. He rolled his eyes and gave a mental sigh.

"Now, children, present your findings on your inner self!" she said in her usual batty way. "You, Mr. Smith, go first."

His head whipped up and he stared in disbelief. "Me?" He was ashamed to admit that his voice was slightly squeaky. Susan giggled at him softly, to his embarrassment. Thankfully, none of the guys in the class seemed to be paying any attention to what was going on. "Well, you, uh, told us to do exercises 2, 3, 9, and 10, right? Well, I figured I'm an ectomorph, that means I'm self-conscious, introverted, inhibited, artistic, and mentally intense. And then for the splits, I'm right, head, top, back, and limbs. And my defensive strategy is, uh, the schizoid?" he guessed randomly. "And my facial contours are angular," he added as an afterthought. And damn if that Bones girl wasn't giggling at him again! He kept himself from blushing only through extreme self-control.

The rest of class passed in the same manner, with Zacharias attempting to keep himself from attacking Trelawney as she made an idiot of him, and Susan alternately giggling and offering deceptively innocent commentary. Thankfully, the professor couldn't focus on him too much, with Gryffindor Patil and Pink Purple jockeying for her attention continuously. He fled the classroom as soon as class was over. Just another average day in the average life of a Hufflepuff, he thought cynically, meeting up with Wayne for a quick chat before heading to lunch (Wayne had a study session every other lunch).

* * *

Assorted Notes (the other A/N!): this chapter was written by Lee. Hence the 'by Lee' tag. The next will be written by Pam. It will say 'by Pam'. Don't expect anything much other than cameos from the "main" characters, except possibly Voldemort. This is about the ignored ones, by god!

Also, a disclaimer: we don't own any of the assorted HP characters and concepts, the book "Who Am I?", or the Buffy episode title.


	2. Chapter Two: This Year's Girl

**Once More, With Badgers**

Chapter Two: This Year's Girl

By Pam

* * *

Susan Amelia Bones stared into the cracked and chipped mirror, trying to source its deep inner truth and figure out whether or not it was lying to her. Did she really have a pimple the size of Mt Sospiri on her chin, or was it a mere blemish that the mirror had been charmed to accentuate from all angles? She frowned, leaning closer. Any closer and she'd be straddling the sink, yet she still couldn't see.

"Hannah," Susan said. "When you come out of the loo, could you take a look at this zit? I swear, it looks gigantic in this mirror." She sneezed. "DAMN this cold!"

"Then it probably is gigantic," came Hannah's disembodied voice from behind the toilet door. "Mirrors generally don't lie."

'Yeah, but…" Susan pouted. "Damn. I'm going to have to use a cosmetic charm." She looked around for her wand. "Did I bring it in here?"

"Don't you DARE touch your face!" Hannah shrieked. There was a hurried flushing of the toilet and Hannah unlocked the door and came out. She started washing her hands, shaking her head severely at Susan. "You are the worst witch at casting cosmetic charms in the history of wizardkind," she said flatly. "Do not even think about casting one. I'll do it for you."

Susan laughed. "Yeah, I suppose I am fairly shoddy at those, huh…" She sniffed loudly, the sighed. "God. I can't believe I got sick…"

"Fairly shoddy," Hannah muttered, drying her hands on the towel next to the sink. "'Fairly shoddy' does not begin to cover it, my dear." She pulled her wand out of her back pocket and started polishing it absently. "And as for getting a cold, well; if you're you're going to go around kissing cold virus infected Hufflepuff boys, you've got to expect that you'll get sick too."

"Hey!" Susan was stung. "He kissed me!"

"Indeed," Hannah said good-naturedly. "Now where is this zit?"

"You mean it hasn't jumped out and bitten you yet?" Susan grumbled. "Here. Look." She jabbed a finger at her chin. "The newest addition to Scotland's fine mountains and valleys."

Hannah leaned in closer and peered at the offender. "Oh," she said at last, brushing a strand of hair from her cheek. "Yeah. Not all that noticeable really, Suze, but I'll cover it up anyway." She sighed as Susan sniffed again. "Go and blow your nose, honestly!"

Susan made a face as she headed into one of the stalls, searching out some toilet paper. "I'm sorry, Hannie. I don't want this cold any more than you want to hear me sniffing all day long." She selected a number of sheets and blew her nose. "Urrghhh, two ply!"

"Not so gentle on the bottom," Hannah remarked.

"Mergh," Susan muttered. "Alright. Alright. I'm done now." She went back out to stand in front of Hannah. "Quick, do it before someone comes in and laughs at me."

Hannah laughed and cast the charm. _"Velieris turpis macula!"_

Susan felt a warm sensation spreading over her chin. "What does that one translate as?" she quizzed Hannah, turning to the mirror. "You did it!" She clapped her hands, delighted. "Yay!" She hugged Hannah impulsively. "Thank you!"

"Yeah, okay," Hannah said, pulling away. "No offense. But you're sick."

"Want me to stick my tongue down your throat and spread the germs?" Susan suggested, laughing as Hannah shuddered. She started washing her hands with the liquid soap provided.

"No, thanks!" Hannah said. "I don't think Justin would be happy with you sticking your tongue down my throat."

Susan smirked, switching the taps off. "Gee, Han, what an over-possessive boyfriend you have."

"Shut up," Hannah grumbled. "At least I have a boyfriend." She watched Susan towel her hands dry. "Have you seen Ernie since the event?" she asked.

Susan sighed. "No…" she shrugged. "I don't know what to tell him. I've already told him! I just don't fancy him anymore. It's not something I can help."

Hannah lounged back against the sink, studying Susan intently. "You were madly in love with him in first, second, third, fourth and fifth year," she responded. "What changed?"

Susan shrugged again. "Something unexplainable and indefinable, I suppose!"

"Fair enough," Hannah said. She changed the subject. "Going to the DA meeting tonight?"

Susan raised her eyebrow. "Do you even need to ask?" She sighed, remembering that Ernie would be there. "Damn it all… Ernie."

"Will it be awkward?" Hannah asked, leaning down to pick up her bag. She swung it on to her shoulder. "Didn't you see him at dinner last night, then?"

Susan groaned. "Oh, god. Dinner! I can't believe I forgot to tell you!"

"Tell me what?" Hannah asked curiously. At Susan's silence, she swatted at her friend. "Tell me!" she pressed.

"Bah," Susan muttered, staring at her reflection. Her cheeks were turning red. "Ernie was cracking onto me all during dinner in front of his friends. Justin, Terry-- even Zacharias Smith!" She glanced away from the mirror and fixed her gaze on Hannah. "He said the corniest line in the world, something about how he'd known me for years and had never noticed how beautiful I was before! It was disgusting!" she moaned. "Disgusting, I tell you! All his friends were smirking, and he didn't even notice, just kept on saying all these cheesy things to me and urgh!"

Hannah squealed with laughter. "What did you say?" she begged. "Come on, tell me!"

"What could I say?" Susan replied. "I just tried to downplay it by replying in a casual tone and so on. And Zacharias was teasing Ernie, and Ernie shot back at him and it was just ugly."

"Oh, Suze," Hannah grinned. "You could've really milked that one."

"Could have," Susan agreed. "But in front of all his friends? No!"

"True," Hannah agreed. She linked her arm through Susan's. "Come on. We've got a double of Charms in ten minutes. It'll take us that long to struggle up to the third floor."

* * *

"…So we've got a busy year ahead of us!" Harry Potter said, pacing back and forth. Susan heard a small sigh from behind her and craned her neck to see both Ginny Weasley and Lavender Brown sitting behind her, looks on rapture on their faces.

"I thought you were dating Seamus!" Susan hissed at Lavender.

Lavender shook her head, a dreamy look on her face. "He's not a very good kisser."

"That's very important," Ginny agreed, still staring at Harry.

"You!" Hannah whispered to Ginny. "Weren't you dating Dean Thomas?"

"He's not a good kisser either," Lavender volunteered. Ginny shrugged in agreement. Hannah and Susan rolled their eyes and turned their attention back to the front.

"Are you paying attention?" Hermione Granger snapped at the pair. "This is very important, you know! The Dark Lord could strike at any moment!"

"Sorry, Hermione," the girls murmured contritely, their heads downcast. Ernie, sitting next to Susan, placed his hand on her leg and rubbed it soothingly, smiling gently at her. She fought the urge to vomit and sneezed instead.

"Bless you," Hannah whispered.

"Try to contain your primal urges, Macmillan," came a derisive murmur from somewhere along the line. Susan fought the hysterical urge to giggle.

"As I was saying," Harry said loudly. "We think that Voldemort is going to strike at us through Professor Snape this year, so we think the best plan of attack would be for us all to act up in class, get ourselves put into detention, et cetera, so we can keep a closer eye on him. Agreed?"

The DA members stared at Harry. Was he mad?

"Detention?" Susan echoed.

"Detention," Harry said firmly.

Susan sneezed again.

"Bless you," Hannah said automatically. "Doesn't Snape assign us to do detention with Filch?" she asked dubiously.

Harry's face fell. "Oh. Um…"

"And wouldn't Gryffindor lose five thousand points for being disruptive?" Ernie asked.

"We would not!" Hermione said staunchly. "Five thousand points is far too much to take from a house. And don't be so stupid, Ernie," she added, stroking the orange cat in her arms.

"Sorry," Ernie muttered. He glanced at Susan hopefully, much to her amusement. She wondered if he wanted her to stroke his leg. She sneezed yet again.

"Damn it!" she swore softly.

"Bless you. Well," Harry continued, apparently disconcerted that his plan wasn't going to work, "Are there any other ideas to, um, incorporate into the plan?"

"No," Ernie volunteered, after a long silence. "I think we're just cruising for the moment. Easing back into school and all that."

"Okay," Harry said finally. "Well… maybe we should meet next week to formulate a new plan. It has to involve Snape, though," he said stubbornly. "I'm certain that Voldemort will strike through him next. I've met him a few times now," he added. "So I think I know what I'm talking about."

There was a silence. Susan sneezed, then punched the floor in aggravation. _Damn you, Macmillan, if you ever kiss me again…!_

"Bless you," Harry said again. "Uh…" he looked at Hermione. "Meeting dismissed!"

* * *

"I'm going to bed," Hannah told Susan, hugging her briefly. "See you upstairs?"

"Yeah," Susan said, returning the hug. "I'm going to chill out by the fire for awhile. See if I can't unblock this sodding nose of mine."

"Okay." Hannah disappeared. Susan hugged her arms to herself briefly before selecting the tattered old couch closest to the fire. She fumbled in her pocket for a eucalyptus scented handkerchief and pressed it to her nose, inhaling deeply. She had no sooner got settled in front of the fire before she was disturbed.

"Suze!" came the somewhat seductive voice of Ernie Macmillan as he entered the common room and advanced towards her, curling his lips upwards in what he possibly hoped was a sexy smile. "May I join you?"

Susan looked up and smiled briefly at him, moving over on the three-seat couch. "Sure." She sneezed. "God damn and blast it all," she muttered.

He sat next to her on the small couch, snuggling up against her, leaving a gap that could seat the entire Greek Navy. "You smell really good." He grinned. "Did I give you that cold?"

"Yes," Susan muttered.

"Oops!" He said cheekily. "It was worth it though, huh?"

"Uhm--" Susan began, feeling uncomfortable with the situation.

"It's alright," Ernie murmured, nestling his face into Susan's shoulder. "There's no need for words right now."

"Are you sure?" Susan asked skeptically. "I've got a few things to say."

"Yes," Ernie said. He turned his head to gaze up at her, puppy-dog eyes studying her face intently. "I know I haven't paid you a whole lot of attention in the past, sexually."

"Okay, stop right there," Susan said.

"No, no; there's no need to be embarrassed, Susan, these things need to be said," Ernie continued. "Obviously, there's been a lot of sexual tension between us in the last few years… I think we should talk it over, make sure we know where we stand."

"You were sexually tense?" Susan asked.

"Of course," Ernie whispered, reaching up to press his lips against her neck. She shivered involuntarily.

"About me?" she asked breathlessly.

"No," he murmured. "I'm male. I was sexually tense about females in general."

Blast.

"Oh," Susan said, trying to disentangle Ernie's arms from around her chest, which had somehow found their way there during his romantic talk. "Well, I'm not so sure that we have anything to discuss Ernie, I thought I'd made myself clear the other night."

"Yeah," Ernie said. "But I thought you'd have reconsidered by now." He was nibbling at her ear. It was all so surreal yet decidedly uncomfortable at the same time. She pushed against him.

"Ernie, please. I haven't reconsidered," Susan snapped. "I used to have a huge crush on you, yes, but it's gone now. Far away. Locked in the Little Susan box. Big Susan is no longer attracted to Ernie."

Ernie looked wounded. "At all?" He moved away from her.

"At all," Susan said firmly. "You're intelligent, funny and sexy in your own way but you just don't do it for me anymore."

"Oh," he said quietly, staring at the fire, unblinking. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," he said at last. He turned and walked upstairs, not once looking back until he reached the door. He turned his head to look at her, a pleading look on his face. "Are you sure you couldn't love me, Suze?"

"I'm sorry," Susan replied, her heart torn. Seeing one of her best friends so pathetic and miserable over her ripped her apart but she knew she had to stay true to her own heart, which was happily flying solo. "I wish I could, Ern, but I can't lie to you."

"So be it," he said sadly before disappearing. Susan sank back into the couch, rubbing at her eyes tiredly.

"How touching," came a soft voice from behind her. She jumped a mile and turned to see Zacharias Smith.

"Zacharias!" she exclaimed, her heart still pounding with the shock. "I—hi."

"Evening," he replied smoothly, vaulting over the couch and settling into it. "Hope you don't mind me sitting here," he offered after a moment.

"No, no," Susan replied, turning around and sitting back down. "Not at all."

"Interesting display with Prefects-R-Us," he observed.

"'Twas," Susan agreed with a tired smile. She felt that familiar twitch in her nose. _No, damn it, not in front of—_she sneezed.

"Bless you!" he said pleasantly. "Are you ill?"

"Mergh," was Susan's reply as she surreptitiously wiped her nose.

"So – that Ernie conversation," Zacharias said, getting straight back to the point as usual. "Want me to ignore it?" he asked. "Wipe it from my memory banks? It wasn't that pleasant a conversation to witness."

"Do what you like," Susan replied honestly. "It doesn't bother me. If he's going to pick a public place, to spill his guts, he really deserves to have someone overhear."

"Don't forget that I didn't want to hear it," Zacharias said dryly. "At all."

Susan laughed. "True. We'll try not to use you as a pawn in the game that is the Susan and Ernie Love Saga."

He cracked a smile at that. "So you do love him despite telling him you didn't?" he said. "Interesting tactics."

"No," Susan said. "I really don't." She yawned. "Gonna go to bed." She got up and smiled at him. "Thanks for listening and, uh, not making lots of fun of me. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Yeah," he said. "Later."

Susan sneezed again on her way out. "DAMN it!" she yelled in frustration.

"Bless you!" Zacharias called merrily.


End file.
